If you look up synonyms to the term "vulnerable" you might see a few of the following words: helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, weak, and susceptible. It's no wonder, then, that throughout my entire life I have worked tirelessly to not be vulnerable.

To give an example, there was a time in my life where I was emotionally at an all-time low. A few significant occurrences took place that literally brought me to my knees in pain, anguish, and despair. However, when I left the confines of my room or apartment each day, I put on a half-smile and told the world that I was just fine. I remember one instance in particular when a close friend of mine had heard through the grapevine about my situation and lovingly asked, "How are you doing?" Now, it wasn't the usual kind of "Hey, how are you doing" that you might ask in passing; rather, it was sincere, compassionate, and musing. She had taken a deep breath before asking, her eyes sunk together, and her voice produced a smooth, velvety tone. Yeah, it was one of those kinds of "How are you doing."

I quickly responded with "I'm so good! I'm loving life! How are you doing? How is work going? How did that test go yesterday?" I knew that she knew what I was going through, but I didn't let her in...I couldn't. She gave me that look that women are so good at - the look when their face practically screams "You've got to be kidding me!" But she didn't pry. She just kept being a great friend and was there for me regardless of my attempts to push her away - and I am extremely thankful for that.

See, back then, what I thought I was doing was being optimistic. I wasn't focusing on the negative and so that must've meant that I was being positive, right? Wrong. Dead wrong, in fact. What I was doing was in fact covering my vulnerable spots, not letting my defense system be penetrated, and not appearing to be helpless or weak. Thus began an on-going battle with my inability to be vulnerable.

I am slowly beginning to learn the seemingly ironic power that comes with being vulnerable - thanks, in large part, to Brene Brown's research and insights, as well as through a few unique personal experiences. I had thought before that I was being courageous by not throwing my problems or issues onto someone else; when really, it requires tremendously more courage to see beyond the fear and shame that vulnerability brings and allow for an even greater sense of connectivity with the people around me. 

Now, I could go on and on about what I am constantly learning about vulnerability, but that is not what I am writing to you about today. Instead, I want to be vulnerable with you. I want to tell you a few things that I have realized about myself lately that I am not very happy about. I only bring up vulnerability to help you understand how difficult it has been for me to be vulnerable and to share those parts of my life that might make me seem not in control, weak, and utterly defenseless. So, here goes nothing...

About two years ago, I was in the prime of my life. I was in the best physical shape that I have ever been in. I was exercising every day, eating healthy, and taking good care of myself. I had a constant need for adventure and for stepping outside of my comfort zone which, in turn, lead to greater growth. I loved the classes that I was taking. I knew and loved everyone at the church ward I attended. I loved my internship and the people that I worked with. I was aspiring to big dreams and limitless possibilities. I invested my time the way that I wanted: with good friends, with books, with my guitar, at the gym, serving others, volunteering, and trying on a daily basis to be my best self. Basically, I was being authentically me. 

But then, one-by-one, things changed.

My internship ended, leaving me in that horrific "unknown zone" of employment. A lot of the friends that inspired me and pushed me either graduated and moved on to something else or got married and started their own family or moved to another city all together. My class schedule filled up with classes that did not interest me as much and took up all of the time I usually set aside for personal reading. Instead of investing my time in things that I loved, I spent my time filling every waking minute with things that I thought would be great "resume builders" or other "important" things. I no longer took time to work out, play my guitar, or push the limits of my comfort zone. I would come home so mentally exhausted that I would eat something quick and unhealthy, brush my teeth, and fall asleep on the living room floor watching old re-runs of The Office or Everybody Loves Raymond. Basically, I had lost all control.

I stopped living life on purpose and was simply existing. There were still occasional experiences that helped me to grow and that gave me a brief taste of authenticity, but they were very few and far between. And, to add insult to injury, I had become so dedicated to hiding the vulnerable parts of my life, that I am still, to this day, jack-hammering through thousands of feet of emotional concrete surrounding my helpless and fearful self within. 

And now, here I am - writing once again on my "blog" that I created as a platform to inspire, motivate, and influence others to live a purposeful life without ever mentioning my weaknesses, kryptonites, or insecurities. Like I said, I became pretty good at hiding those parts of me. But now, I want to change that. I have decided that I am going to share 7 vulnerabilities with you today for the sake of being vulnerable. These are things about me that most people do not know; things that I struggle with personally; and things that I have kept hidden for a long, long time. This is me being vulnerable.

1. I am incredibly self-conscious, especially about my physical appearance.

If you were to ask me to make a list of things that I like about myself physically, I would scribble down the following: my height, my eyes, my lack of excessive body hair, my skin, and the palms of my hands. However, if you were to ask me to list the things that I dislike about myself, I would run out of ink or my hands would cramp up to the point of permanency. 

I have always had this annoying baby fat around my core and chest that I have never been able to tame. I have a short upper body that doesn't allow for room to place the results of unhealthy eating. Basically, if I even look at a slice of pizza, I gain a layer of fat tissue. All of this explains why very few people have seen me shirtless. (Ugh, this vulnerability thing gives me so much anxiety) 

I have always hated my smile. I am grateful to my parents for buying me braces when I was a teenager, because I can only imagine how much worse my smile would be were it not for them. Growing up, I rarely smiled for a picture because I didn't know how to be okay with showing my teeth and lips off to the world.

I have freakishly long fingers and toes. In high school, my friends called my fingers "licorice ropes." My toes are so long on my right foot that they are permanently criss-crossed from being shoved into the small space of a shoe for a quarter century. 

Like I said, I could go on and on about this...but I think you get the point.

2. I am an exacerbating worrier.

I did not ride a roller coaster until I was almost 25 years old because, as a kid, I always thought "What if I fall out? What if the track breaks? What if the machine malfunctions and we're not able to stop?" Before almost anything that I do that scares me or that I have never done before, I literally freak myself out of doing it because I think of every possible thing that could go wrong. I think of every fail video, news story, and rumor that had something to do with how someone got hurt, embarrassed, or died - and then I have a panic attack (This is why stepping outside of my comfort zone is such a big deal to me). My worrying is not a normal amount of worry; it is crippling and keeps me from experiencing so many amazing parts of this life. I hate that I worry so much.

3. I have a hard time standing up for what I think is right.

I am very non-confrontational and so I tend to let people walk all over me. If I have an idea as to what should be done in a certain situation, I do not make it known, especially when I am intimidated by the people I am with at that time. If someone is bad-mouthing my system of beliefs, my religion, or my culture, I struggle to vocalize what I believe and why I believe it. I am usually content in thinking "I know what I believe and they can believe whatever it is that they want to believe - I don't have to make a scene." I am easily intimidated and overly relativistic.

4. I never give myself enough credit aka "I am not _______."

People will sometimes give me a compliment such as "You are so smart!" or "You did so good on that project." I will almost always respond with "Nah, I got lucky on that test" or "I didn't do anything, it was all my team." I struggle to accept that there are things that I am good at. I think that some of this issue stems from my earlier years in school. Schoolwork came very easy for me - I understood concepts, knew how to piece together ideas; and I can count on two fingers how many times I studied outside of the classroom. It came so easy, in fact, that when I was in the first grade, I took a variety of special tests and tested out at the third and fourth grade levels (for my social well-being, my parents only allowed that I be moved up one grade). I was a straight A student until my sophomore year Geometry class. I decided that I had had enough of being called 'the smart kid', 'the teacher's pet', and 'mr. know-it-all.' So, I failed a test on purpose and got my first ever B; but I was "normal" and so I was content not accepting credit for my abilities.

I struggle with balancing healthy pride with unhealthy humility. I am never smart enough, diligent enough, successful enough, friendly enough, knowledgeable enough, etc.

5. I was bullied in high school.

Very few people know this. Because I was younger than everyone in my grade as a Freshman and I looked even younger than I actually was, this made me a prime target for the Seniors. I was pushed, shoved, punched, tickled, stuffed into a garbage can, etc. To this day I still don't know why they befriended and respected my best friends that did the same things I did and took their vengeance out on me, but it happened. However, things got better with each year after that.

6. I am way too worried about what people think

I don't even need to explain this one. I care way too much about what people think of me and that's that. I invent these things that I assume they will say or think about me, how I look, or what I am doing. I can rarely admit to not caring what people think - and that, my friend, is no way to live life. Trust me.

7. I am not a naturally happy person and I often struggle to be authentically happy

Perhaps it is because I worry so much, or am not okay with how I look, or care what people think that I struggle so much to be happy, but I do. Even at times when I feel incredibly joyful, I do not know how to express it (my wife still struggles with understanding this part of me). I have gone through multiple episodes of depression. I will do things that I enjoy doing and will say that it was "okay" or that it "wasn't anything special". I do a lot of things out of duty rather than out of joy and ecstasy. It isn't impossible for me to feel happy, it is just much more of a challenge for me than for a lot of people that I know - I don't know why this is, but it is. I do believe in a Viktor Franklean sense of mind-over-matter and that you can create happiness in any situation, but my weakness is that it requires a lot of work to do so; it doesn't come naturally.

Well, that was difficult. A part of me feels betrayed, and yet another, more dominant part of me feels relieved. I believe that there truly is power in vulnerability - even if it is simply power over your vulnerabilities themselves; that, instead of them controlling me, I am in control of them. I am working hard to improve in all aspects of my life and to get back to living authentically and on purpose. I am striving to be better today than I was yesterday, and better tomorrow than I am today. And I believe that it is eternally important to be okay and content with who you are - and I mean who you REALLY are. The raw you. The natural you. And the unfiltered you.

The real you exists. How foreign is he or she to you right now?

Here's to the power of vulnerability.

Cheers.

i am so afraid of so many things

i am a bird on a limb with broken wings

the sky, she calls

the wind, she beckons

but i can see myself fall and end up in wreckage

_________________________________________________________________________________

bird, be not afraid of what you can't see

for i am the strong and stable branch of the tree

though my leaves seem feeble

my roots run deep

i am strong enough to hold you and me

_________________________________________________________________________________

i am so afraid of so many things

i am a broken piano that's forgot how to sing

the applause, screams silence

my melody, a ghost

but to dust off my keys is what i fear most
_________________________________________________________________________________

please, be not afraid of what you can't hear

for i am the cries of the hearts of the listening ears

though i make not a sound

i stand and i cheer

i am always listening, i am always here

_________________________________________________________________________________

i am so afraid of so many things

afraid to fly, and afraid to sing

though skies unknown

and melodies unclear

some say that with faith, i can conquer my fears

_________________________________________________________________________________

son, be not afraid of what you don't know

for i made your wings and your piano key row

though i died for your fears

through your faith will i show

that because i love you, i gladly did so 

Here's to fearless, faithful living.





Cheers.

"Rhetoric can't raise the dead," but it is a powerful tool. For the past few weeks my thoughts have been turned toward a particular aspect of rhetoric and the power that it envelops: the "if-then" statement.

• If you want to lose weight then you need to diet and exercise.
• If we want to win this game then we must all work together.
• If they don't want to get lost then they should stop and ask for directions.

• If ye love me then keep my commandments.
• If ye were righteous and were willing to hearken to the truth, then ye would not murmur because of the truth and say: thou speakest hard things against us.
• If ye would keep his commandments, ye should prosper in the land.
• If ye have desires to serve God, then ye are called to the work.
• If ye are not one, then ye are not mine.
• If ye do this with a pure heart, in all faithfulness, then ye shall be blessed in your flocks, and in your herds, and in your fields, and in your houses, and in your families.
• If ye are faithful, then ye shall be laden with many sheaves, and crowned with honor, and glory, and immortality, and eternal life.
• If ye forgive men their trespasses, then your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
• If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, then ye shall say unto this mountain: remove hence to yonder place and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

If-then statements are the simplest form of a call-to-action; they serve as an invitation to be rewarded (or punished) depending on the behavior that we choose to commit.

There are close to 200 if-then statement found within the scriptures and at least a bajillion more found in the self-help section at your local bookstore.

If you want to change your life or current circumstances, then you must do something about it. 

Develop your own if-then statements and then commit yourself to do them. 

Here's to a simple formula that works.

Cheers.

As I begin to sit down, I casually ask, "Is anyone sitting here or---" Before I can finish my inquiry, I hear it...

Her angelic voice seems to ricochet violently off the surrounding walls and then, with all fragility, gently presses against my inner ear and, ultimately, rests in the deepest parts of my soul. I once read about The Sirens of Greek Mythology using their voices to lure even the bravest, the wisest, and the most adventurous of men to their imminent death. I am not the bravest, nor the wisest, nor the most adventurous man...and after hearing her voice, I can say that I have died at least a million times.

By the time I come to myself, she has already finished talking. I'm still glancing down at my hand pointing to the seat next to her. I slowly look up, and I see it...

Her face screams of perfection, with hair so golden that Midas himself would turn pale in shock. I lock sight with her marble-blue eyes and quickly realize that I have made a wonderful mistake by doing so (I'm still feeling disoriented from being so lost in eyes that flawless). My eyes catch her smile. She paints a picture with that smile: a smile that silences the cries of the sun as it sets each day. Oh how that smile will forever be ingrained in my mind.

We talk. We laugh. We sing. We smile. We listen.

But time never does last as long as we'd like during moments such as this. And it's not until I watch her walk away that I feel it...

I feel something that I have not felt before. I feel something that words cannot begin to descri---








Here's to love at first sight...if it really does exists.


Cheers.

I am somewhat timid about asking you the question that I am about to ask you--mostly because it will indefinitely expose myself as one who spends way too much time being easily amused by things that most likely would not amuse the "normal" human being-----but then again, I suppose that no one is really "normal"; so, here it goes:

Have you ever sat and watched a colony of ants build an ant-hill?

To take that further: have you ever watched a colony of ants re-build an anthill after it has been altered or destroyed in some way?

I have. In fact, I don't think I could even begin to count the number of times that I have spent a part of my day watching this incredible process that takes place in Mother Nature. Perhaps there are some of you that could attest to the same thing. But for those of you who cannot, allow me to paint you a simple, visual picture of what happens:

Imagine that you are a worker ant. Your job, along with the other 13,000 worker ants in your colony, is to gather dirt, clay, and whatever else you are able to carry from the far corners of your environment and bring them back to a central location where you will place what you have found strategically on what we will call "the hill." (The hill is a nesting ground for your colony and is used to protect those that are closest to you). From sun-up to sun-down you work to do your absolute best in gathering the necessary materials for your colony's sanctuary and you know that your efforts contribute greatly to the overall well-being of those around you. 

One day, out of nowhere and completely to your surprise, a large animal comes walking toward the hill and steps directly on top of it, causing it to completely lose its form and protective capabilities. You watch the whole thing happen from a short distance away and cannot help but feel frustrated, angry, and confused. 

But it is in this exact moment that you have a series of very interesting decisions to make: Do you march forward and begin re-building the hill, particle by particle of dirt and clay until it is bigger, stronger, and more durable? Or do you sit there, thinking about how much effort you and your fellow workers had put into building the hill only to see it partially or even completely destroyed? Do you swear to not let anything get in the way of your success as a worker ant? Or do you sit and complain about what had happened, blaming all of your "wasted effort" on the animal that walked by?


I hope that you can try and put yourself in the worker ant's place in order to truthfully answer the questions that I posed in the fore-mentioned pictorial explanation. What would you do? How would you react? What would be your first thought be after watching your life's work become destroyed?

Allow me to quickly explain how this natural phenomenon can apply to you and me. We are all worker ants, working to build a protective, useful, and symmetrical ant hill. You can compare the hill to anything that you want: a friendly community, an inspiring education system, a happy marriage, a healthy lifestyle...you name it! For the sake of this post though, I would like to compare the hill to one's own character.

Whether you realize it or not, with each decision that we make (or don't make) and every action that we commit (or don't commit), we are slowly shaping our eternal character. Maybe you are the type of person that works hard, makes well-thought-out decisions, and does everything in your power to shape the character that you know will last through the storms of life. Or maybe you are not that type of person at all. Regardless of your current, personal life-habits there is one thing that we all have in common in our journey to build our ant hill; and that is: adversity will come! Animals will walk over it, rains will flood it, winds will sweep it, and little kids will burn it with magnifying glasses. But like the worker ants in the story, it is following those very moments that we ask ourselves: Will I quit and give up all hope? Or will I work twice as hard to accomplish twice as much?

• In a worldly sense: Bombs may explode at marathon finish lines, fertilizer factories may demolish everything in their paths, school shootings may take the lives of many, hurricanes may destroy cities, etc. but we must come together as a nation and work together to not let these forms of adversity destroy our free and God-given country.

• In a spiritual sense: "persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done."

• In a personal sense: jobs may be lost, hearts may be broken, dreams may seem shattered, etc. but we must brush ourselves off, commit to re-commitment, and become stronger, truer, and more developed builders of our ant hills, whatever they may be. 

I can promise you that if we face adversity head-on with a smile, callused hands, and a willing heart, each time we re-build our ant hills they will be bigger, stronger, and more able to withstand the blows that life unexpectedly brings.






Here's to BIG lessons learned from tiny creatures.



Cheers.

"To be unique: is not 

simply doing something different; 

it is

doing something 

to make a difference."

                                                                                     

 

Here's to being unique.

Cheers.

I love this time of year. As many of you know, the idea of "New Beginnings" resonates within me like nothing else; it is something that allows us to regather our thoughts, muster up new strengths, and forge ahead against the grainy sandstorms of whatever our future holds for us. Hence the reason why this time of new resolutions, optimistic outlooks, and aspiring goals for the upcoming calendar year is so appealing in my eyes. With that in mind, my hope for you in reading this brief post would be that you will find and apply the most efficient ways to accomplish your dreams, manage your thoughts, and find success in the endeavors that you have set forth for yourself, while at the same time, as I've emphasized before, taking time to smell the roses along the pathways of life as you go.



This evening as I sat in one of my favorite courses taught by one of my favorite professors--a life-mentor of mine that has, time-after-time, continually helped me to progress and become greater than I ever thought that I was before--I began to experience a rather personal and very internal battle of thoughts in my mind. Allow me to explain: as I am en-route to completing my undergraduate schooling, my thoughts are often made up of ideas such as "Where should I apply for graduate school? What are the chances of me being married by the time I finish my degree? Where should I apply for my next employment opportunity? Should I ask that girl out this weekend? Etc." These very differing thoughts often take over my mind's entire ability to think about anything else and I am thus consumed.

However, this particular train of thought on this particular evening happened to stop "chugging" at: "Should I add a class or two to my current schedule to complete my degree faster? Or, instead, do I really focus on the classes that I am in now and make room in my schedule for doing things outside of school and work that I love doing?"

It was then that the self-introspecting question piercingly took root in my mind: "Which is more important right now--Getting more done? Or Getting more out of what I do?"

Rather than going into deep and soul-bearing detail as to what this concept means to me, I'd instead like for you to take time and ask yourself the exact same question, but apply it to the things that are going on in your life. Perhaps, while you are contemplating this particular principle, you could even ask yourself the following questions to help spark some discussion with your self: Are you a believer that your circumstances make up your happiness? That if you just had that job or married that guy or drove that car, then you would be happy? That your definition of happiness starts with "If only..."? Or are you the type of person that creates your own happiness? Do you believe that no matter what is going on in your life, that you can still be infinitely happy?

Over the past few years, I have had a great many of my close friends graduate from school and have been thrown into what they refer to as "The Real World." It is very interesting to hear so many of them come up to me now and say, "Shad, take advantage of each day that you are still finishing your undergrad; get involved; spend time with friends; go to sporting events; do well in your classes; take classes that you've never thought of taking; try new things; be fearless; etc. Because out here in the "real world" things are different. Oh, how I wish that I would've taken more time to really enjoy each day that I had while I was still where you are now." (Perhaps some of you have had similar encounters with people who have moved on in some aspect of their life and not just in schooling).

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to contribute to society as much as I can and move on to whatever lies in store for me; but the point that I'd like to make in all of this is the idea of making sure that we're getting more out of what we're doing now rather than simply getting the most done in the least amount of time. Of course, this, like most things in life, depends on your circumstances--you may be wanting to finish your degree or get through your current job or whatever it is because of familiar, financial, or religious situations--but it is still something to think about nonetheless.

I have thus made the decision and steered my thoughts toward getting more out of what I do rather than solely getting more done. I have changed my class schedule, shifted work hours, and am gearing myself up to give as much of myself as I can to the things that I have going on in my life. I hope to learn more, stress less, and ultimately lose myself in the service of others. And I hope to never have those similar feelings of regret that some of my friends have felt.

Whether you are in high school, a freshman in college, finishing your graduate degree, busy working, feeling regrets similar to what I mentioned earlier, taking care of children at home, or even a veteran in the ways of living in "reality", I would challenge you to look at what you do on a day-to-day basis and ask yourself: "Am I simply trying to get more done so that I can move on? Or am I striving to get the most out of what I am doing now?" Decide where you stand. Change what is necessary. And never give up.



Here's to getting more out of life than we ever have before.





Cheers.